In asking for a raise, the employee hinted that several companies were after him.
"What companies?” his boss asked.
"What companies?” his boss asked.
The man replied, “The gas company, electric company, finance company…”
A beggar was sitting n the sidewalk expounding in a most eloquent manner. A well-dressed couple walked by.
“May the blessing of the Lord which brings love and joy and prosperity and all manner of happiness follow you for all the days of your lives,” said the beggar.
The couple walked on without a pause, and the beggar yelled after them, “And never overtake you!”
Charles Chapin, city editor of the old New York World, was as erratic as he was brilliant. Often, in a fit of temper, he would fire a reporter, only to rehire him a few minutes later.
One day a World reporter failed to get a story. “You’re through!” shouted Chapin. “Go to the cashier and get your check!”
The reporter cleared out his desk. In a half hour he was ready to leave.
“Where are you going?” demanded Chapin.
“Home,” said the reporter.
“What for?”
“You fired me, didn’t you?”
“Aha!” cried Chapin. “Using that to get the afternoon off, eh?”
You know, sweetheart,” the dreamy-eyed young man said, “since I met you, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t drink…”
“Why not?”
“I’m broke.”
***
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
A teacher of a religious class asked the children: “Who can tell me what we must do before we can expect to be forgiven for our sins?”
There was silence. Finally, one boy spoke up.
A young man ordered a chicken at a local market.
“Alive or dressed?” asked the stall-owner.
“I’d prefer it dead and naked,” he replied.
***
Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?” the hospital administrator asked the overwrought patient.
“Because the nurse said, ‘Be brave! An appendectomy is quite simple.’ ”
“So?”
“So, she was talking to the doctor!”
“Elmer, why don’t you play golf with Ted anymore?” asked a friend.
“Would you play golf with a fellow who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Elmer asked.
“Well, no,” admitted the friend.
“Neither will Ted,” replied Elmer.
***
“So,” said the attorney, “you want a divorce on the ground that your husband is careless about his appearance?”
“That’s right,” said the woman. “He hadn’t made an appearance in over three years.”
I was asking motherly questions of our son, home on leave after completing boot camp.
“How was your bed?” I asked. “Was it comfortable?”
He paused thoughtfully, then said, “I guess I don’t know. Every time I was in it, I was asleep.”
My son had been at university for about 6 weeks when I asked him what he wanted or his upcoming birthday.
Uncharacteristically, he replied, “Clothes.”
Since I had just supplied him with everything he could possibly need, I was a bit perplexed. “Clothes?” I echoed. “What kind of clothes?”
“Clean,” he replied.
A middle-aged friend told me he had been to his doctor for a checkup, after which the doctor said, “You’re in good shape, man.”
“But, doctor,” my friend protested, “why do I keep getting so tired?”
“Youth deficiency, “ replied the doctor. “Nothing but youth deficiency.”
