The husband says: I'm going fishing.
It really means: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
The husband says: I'm going hunting.
It really means: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...
The husband says: Woman driver.
It really means: Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.
The husband says: I don't care what color you paint the kitchen.
It really means: As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.
The husband says: It's a guy thing.
It really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
The husband says: Can I help with dinner?
It really means: Why isn't it already on the table?
The husband says: Good idea.
It really means: It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.
The husband says: Have you lost weight?
It really means: I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.
The husband says: My wife doesn't understand me.
It really means: She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.
The husband says: It would take too long to explain.
It really means: I have no idea how it works.
The husband says: I'm getting more exercise lately.
It really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.
The husband says: We're going to be late.
It really means: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
The husband says: Hey, I've read all the classics.
It really means: I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.
The husband says: I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.
It really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.
The husband says: Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.
It really means: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
The husband says: That's interesting, dear.
It really means: Are you still talking?
The husband says: Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.
It really means: I forgot our anniversary again.
The husband says: It's a really good movie.
It really means: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.
The husband says: That's women's work.
It really means: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
The husband says: I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.
It really means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
The husband says: Football is a man's game.
It really means: Women are generally too smart to play it.
The husband says: I do help around the house.
It really means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.
The husband says: Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.
It really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
The husband says: I can't find it.
It really means: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
The husband says: What did I do this time?
It really means: What did you catch me at?
The husband says: What do you mean, you need new clothes?
It really means: You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.
The husband says: I heard you.
It really means: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
The husband says: You know I could never love anyone else.
It really means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
The husband says: You look terrific.
It really means: Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
The husband says: I brought you a present.
It really means: It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.
The husband says: I missed you.
It really means: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.
The husband says: I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.
It really means: No one will ever see us alive again.
The husband says: We share the housework.
It really means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.
The husband says: Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.
It really means: Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?
The husband says: It sure snowed last night.
It really means: I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.
The husband says: I don't need to read the instructions.
It really means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
The husband says: I'll fix the garbage disposal later.
It really means: If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.
The husband says: I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.
It really means: Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.
The husband says: Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.
It really means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
